negan_mactavish (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
negan_mactavish) wrote2019-01-17 12:29 am
negan_mactavish) wrote2019-01-17 12:29 am
Entry tags:
My Own Life Expectancy
Over the past year or so I've given myself my own life expectancy. I think about all the times I tried to die before this and I'm honestly surprised I made it into my twenties. I didn't plan this far ahead. I'm too stuck in my body issues and trauma to think about my future. It's the last thing on my mind.
I've debated on jumping in front of a train, taking all the medication I can get my hands on, finding the tallest building or bridge and hoping that it can kill me if I jump just right. Each time, something has stopped me be it because I didn't want to traumatise a child, I felt something within me, or because my cat was looking at me with betrayal. It's always something. Now, it looks like I'm just going slowly, something I never seemed to want to fix or recover from because I just don't respect myself. Counting, counting, counting. I wish I could just have a slice of toast for dinner then just drink 10 bottles of water and call it a day. After all, three hundred calories is three hundred calories.
I'm turning 21 in a few months and I've taken to assuming that when I turn 28 I'd had enough and that's it. Whatever source I could use I'd do it because what else have I got left to lose?
Nothing.
Nothing at all. Even my own family don't expect anything to happen to me. My guardian has become blunt, not even a maybe, just a flat out "You aren't going to be anything". At least they are self aware. Not long after giving me a speech on how I'll never be able to become anything they said: "I know I don't make you happy". Maybe it means they'll be aware when the time comes that they were part of the problem.
I've debated on jumping in front of a train, taking all the medication I can get my hands on, finding the tallest building or bridge and hoping that it can kill me if I jump just right. Each time, something has stopped me be it because I didn't want to traumatise a child, I felt something within me, or because my cat was looking at me with betrayal. It's always something. Now, it looks like I'm just going slowly, something I never seemed to want to fix or recover from because I just don't respect myself. Counting, counting, counting. I wish I could just have a slice of toast for dinner then just drink 10 bottles of water and call it a day. After all, three hundred calories is three hundred calories.
I'm turning 21 in a few months and I've taken to assuming that when I turn 28 I'd had enough and that's it. Whatever source I could use I'd do it because what else have I got left to lose?
Nothing.
Nothing at all. Even my own family don't expect anything to happen to me. My guardian has become blunt, not even a maybe, just a flat out "You aren't going to be anything". At least they are self aware. Not long after giving me a speech on how I'll never be able to become anything they said: "I know I don't make you happy". Maybe it means they'll be aware when the time comes that they were part of the problem.