negan_mactavish (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
negan_mactavish) wrote2019-06-15 10:00 pm
negan_mactavish) wrote2019-06-15 10:00 pm
I N C R E A S I N G
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckidy, fuck, fuck and fuck! I'm getting increasingly anxious, nervous and angry. Fuck food, fuck it so hard, I don't want it, I feel sick whenever I eat it. The food poison was awful, a slap in the face, "Look at what you're eating, asshole" ok, fine, I got it, leave me alone to D I E. The emptiness in my stomach was oddly nice, the hunger pain felt good, eye opening. Food is the enemy. For some reason, my aunt wants me again. I don't know why, all she does is explode at me and make me feel uncomfortable. I might say I'm still unwell from the past week and the food poisoning. I don't want that damn takeaway or the can of coke or the lychee fizzy drink.
The damn thoughts got high again, Miss Aya definitely knew, so did Wrench. Miss Aya just sat as always, I'd say she had a weird look on her face but can she really have a weird look when all that exists is her mouth and nose and her empty eye sockets? My chest was tightening and my insides felt like they were exploding. It felt like C's hands were tearing throughout my body in an attempt to rip out my heart and other organs. The damage wasn't enough, she's left her print, the stupid bitch. Go suffocate on a cock. I hate the way it's been filling my head up with thoughts, urges and nightmares. Why, C? Why? Why do this? Why? Am I a toy? Do you regret this at all or was it only fun for you? When he's not giving you enough dick, run back to me? Is that it? When they don't give you enough, run back to Negan?
I want to unblock her, unblock her from all my social media, ask her to drive down and visit me if she's willing. I don't know what I'd say though, listen to her repeat the same apology each time? That it? Lately, I've been having some weird fantasies. Murder suicide, if that's what it'll take to get rid of these violent as shit anxiety attacks, these thoughts, the anger, to bring myself peace. It's her fault. It's a shame, I don't have a gun, I want one but people tell me "no" because they're scared of what I'll do. I have a talent for shooting, the people at the range say so, the people who run gun competitions say so. It's such a shame to stop someone from their talent.
She crawled into my nightmares today, I hated it. I watched her get married briefly and my chest was on fire, in so much pain. Dream me walked away from the wedding, ripping off my blazer and tie and then climbing up on to a bridge up above some train tracks. I jumped, not giving a shit. Her entire presence, her entire mistake made me want to die. I woke up, didn't care but questioned the dream. I just laid there for hours till it got dark again and my head started to hurt from the lack of water. I don't know why. She's just a woman, why does she sit in my head? Consume my everyday thoughts? I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand. I want to find peace but I can't seem to.
My head gets dizzy lately, tried moving on, felt a flutter in my stomach for someone. I don't get it, call me those things. "Boyfriend", "My baby". What are you doing? Being all this affectionate with me then telling me he's off to meet someone from a dating app. It hurts, I hate it, I feel confused. I don't get it. I don't get it. I just don't get any of it.
In fact all of this confusion, anger and hurt from everyone around me. It makes me rock back and fourth, cover my ears like a kid and pretend it's not happening. Picking to stare at Miss Aya and listen to the bitch Diana whisper harsh and mean shit into my ears each time it gets worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse. I wish I had the courage to take this all out, all of it, including myself too.
Wake me when I have the courage to die.
The damn thoughts got high again, Miss Aya definitely knew, so did Wrench. Miss Aya just sat as always, I'd say she had a weird look on her face but can she really have a weird look when all that exists is her mouth and nose and her empty eye sockets? My chest was tightening and my insides felt like they were exploding. It felt like C's hands were tearing throughout my body in an attempt to rip out my heart and other organs. The damage wasn't enough, she's left her print, the stupid bitch. Go suffocate on a cock. I hate the way it's been filling my head up with thoughts, urges and nightmares. Why, C? Why? Why do this? Why? Am I a toy? Do you regret this at all or was it only fun for you? When he's not giving you enough dick, run back to me? Is that it? When they don't give you enough, run back to Negan?
I want to unblock her, unblock her from all my social media, ask her to drive down and visit me if she's willing. I don't know what I'd say though, listen to her repeat the same apology each time? That it? Lately, I've been having some weird fantasies. Murder suicide, if that's what it'll take to get rid of these violent as shit anxiety attacks, these thoughts, the anger, to bring myself peace. It's her fault. It's a shame, I don't have a gun, I want one but people tell me "no" because they're scared of what I'll do. I have a talent for shooting, the people at the range say so, the people who run gun competitions say so. It's such a shame to stop someone from their talent.
She crawled into my nightmares today, I hated it. I watched her get married briefly and my chest was on fire, in so much pain. Dream me walked away from the wedding, ripping off my blazer and tie and then climbing up on to a bridge up above some train tracks. I jumped, not giving a shit. Her entire presence, her entire mistake made me want to die. I woke up, didn't care but questioned the dream. I just laid there for hours till it got dark again and my head started to hurt from the lack of water. I don't know why. She's just a woman, why does she sit in my head? Consume my everyday thoughts? I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand. I want to find peace but I can't seem to.
My head gets dizzy lately, tried moving on, felt a flutter in my stomach for someone. I don't get it, call me those things. "Boyfriend", "My baby". What are you doing? Being all this affectionate with me then telling me he's off to meet someone from a dating app. It hurts, I hate it, I feel confused. I don't get it. I don't get it. I just don't get any of it.
In fact all of this confusion, anger and hurt from everyone around me. It makes me rock back and fourth, cover my ears like a kid and pretend it's not happening. Picking to stare at Miss Aya and listen to the bitch Diana whisper harsh and mean shit into my ears each time it gets worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse. I wish I had the courage to take this all out, all of it, including myself too.
Wake me when I have the courage to die.